she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
