first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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