I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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