Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
