just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
