We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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