mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I need water and some morals
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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