for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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