You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
