Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
