I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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