It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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