Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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