My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
