All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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