So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.