I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
