Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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