so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
