so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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