things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
