He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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