Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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