i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
