$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
