I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need to sanitize my soul.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
