totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
