I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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