just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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