So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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