I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
