lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
