Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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