I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
