Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
time to smoke my breakfast
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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