Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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