I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
