I just saw a hot homeless man
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
