Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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