You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
