I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
