Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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