Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
