I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
