there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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