Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Pants are for mortals
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
