You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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