Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
