Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
not ubering you a puppy
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He has the fingertips of a God
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