If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
