You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
