dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
handjob tips. give me some.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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