there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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