imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Everyone says I win the strip club
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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