I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm always down for nudity.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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