I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
