I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Randomize
