After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Every concussion has its silver lining
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
