you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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